Man or soon-to-be mutant?

Now let me preface this whole thing by saying that I am in no way a baseball fan, nor do I know anything about the sport, the players, its history, or any of that stuff. But I did hear that dear old Manny Ramirez starts his 50 day suspension from the Dodgers today, and I can’t help but feel bad for him. His crime: performance enhancing drugs.

Put yourself in his shoes. If there was some blogging-enhancement drug, don’t you think bloggers would take it? They’re under so much pressure by their mean editors to get people coming to the page, to keep coming out with original authentic material and witty commentary, to post every Wednesday with something new and exciting – frankly, sometimes it feels like too much. I’m sure that’s what dear old Manny felt. Hey, one little needle prick and you’ll be writing like the pros, kid! You’ll be a regular David Sedaris!

In any case, I think performance enhancement should not only be decriminalized in professional sports, but should actually be encouraged. I’ve heard attendance is dwindling. Makes sense. I mean, baseball is boring as shit. The fun involved with baseball is in getting drunk and eating hotdogs, and when people realized they could do that by themselves at home for free, then they stopped going. But if we were watching not men, nay, but monsters take the field – freaks of science with bulging eye-neck veins and seven fingers for throwing double-knuckleballs – well by Joe I’d pay to see that circus.

Did anyone ever watch the show Mutant League? I think that show was way ahead of its time. Toxic waste turns pro sports players into mutants. All about monster athletes and how much more fun they are to watch than normal ones. Apparently there was a game too, which sounds damn awesome. If anyone still has a Genesis hit me up. In any case, maybe that game was a prophetic vision of the future!

My favorite Mutant League player. One time their plane crashed in the snow somewhere and they had to eat his tail to survive, but that's okay, because it grows back.

The highest paying player on each team would be the chemist. They’d go fresh out of college, first round draft picks, the league plucking up kids that otherwise would be bound for med school, curing AIDS and the like. There they’d be, sitting in the dugout, juicing up the players before each inning, giving them just enough to have that edge over the other team, but not quite enough to kill them. Now that’s baseball.

What do ya’ll think? Which sport would benefit the most from mutant-creating drugs? Which med schools would become the powerhouses? What would Manny Ramirez’s mutant name be? What mutant abilities do you think would prove the most awesome at winning games? Would Nike endorse a performance enhancing drug / chemist / pipettes and other chemistry equipment?

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 7th, 2009 at 12:26 pm and is filed under LA Rant, LA Rave. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.